Am I Enough?

 

My amazing friend Amy attempted to take some family photos for us a few weeks back.  Now, being a photographer I figured this was going to be a piece of cake.  I'll dress my kids up all cute, show everyone where to stand, instruct Amy on how to take the perfect photo, at the perfect angle, with just the perfect light and..................VOILA!!!!!  Perfect family photo!!

 

As it turns out, just because you can take a photograph at the right angle, with the right light does NOT mean you can be in a photo and have it turn out well.  It's completely different from this side of the lense, from this perspective.

 

 

Clearly not the perfect family photo :)

 

 

Upon seeing the results of this hilarious and failed photo opp my mind instantly raced to everything that was wrong.  Jamin has a bloody knee, Penny wont look at the camera, why in the blazes am I making those faces................and could CHARLIE PLEASE JUST HOLD STILL FOR ONE SECOND!!!!

See, we have this tendency to pick ourselves apart, and in the end we are never good enough. As a mom I think this is greatly magnified.  There's always something more we should be doing.  The house should be cleaner, the kids should be better behaved.  We should be making homemade, vegan, gluten free, amazing meals that our perfectly dressed and well mannered kids eat without an ounce of fuss.  We should be showered and dressed with an amazing smile always on our face. 

This extends beyond being a mom. In life we think we need to have it all together.  Good job, nice house, amazing friends, beautiful family, exciting adventures, perfectly in shape, and a life that will show just how cool we really are.

 

But what happens when the reality is the complete opposite. What happens when we find ourselves on the other side of the lense? We find ourselves comparing, striving, wasting time trying to define ourselves by everyone else's standard and we are simply never enough. 

 

I think one of the things this world is lacking in is honest, raw, truth......so I'm about to get real with you. My reality looks nothing like the one I hoped for.  My life is lived on the other side of the lense. The truth is I found myself sitting on my dining room floor two nights ago, head in hands, crying, overwhelmed with the immense burden of what my world is asking of me.  Weighed down by all that I haven't been able to do, provide, or be for my family. This morning when the kids were fighting and Jamin hit penny, I snapped and barked at them and banned them to separate corners of the house.  When Charlie screamed about having her tangled curls combed I just wadded the hair into a bun so we didn't have to look at it.  I'm pretty sure at least two of them brushed their teeth but that's really just hopeful thinking!  When Benjamin complained about not wanting to change his clothes, instead of putting in the time and energy that was needed to deal with it I just leaned close, took a big giant whiff, decided that as long as no one stood to close to him then he smelt just fine and sent him out the door.  School starts in a couple of weeks and my kids are yet to be enrolled anywhere which means I haven't done any back to school shopping, I'm about as under prepared as they come.  I can't remember the last time I showered this week, and for dinner I ate Swedish fish, and left over pie.  I literally have DHS, the police station and my lawyer on speed dial and when reality hit, the perfect pinterest dinners turned into tortillas, peanut butter and honey.  And worse yet, it was served in front of the TV................for 2 weeks straight!!!!!!! 

The reality is I work as many jobs as I can find but still have to rely on food stamps. I don't have that perfect job because it requires time and energy I just don't have.  I'm awkward and shy when I don't know you and loud and obnoxious when I do.  I feel too deeply, show too much emotion and have been told that I was broken and needed to be fixed.  Whew, not exactly the picture perfect life!

 

Do you want to know another reality, the only reality that matters?  I am made whole in Christ, and it's the only standard by which I should be striving for.  He doesn't care about you and me fitting into everyone else's box.   He doesn't have a check list of things I must be before I am "enough".

"For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother’s womb........"

He knew me, before I was born.  He knew the curly, redheaded, baby Laura.  The bratty and excitable teenage Laura.  The broken and abused Laura. The courageous, fighter Laura, and the Laura that I am today.  God doesn't love one part of me more then the other, one stage of my life above the other.  Each and every part of the way He has been there walking along side me as I become the person He created me to be for His glory.  While we may look down on our lives or others may tell us that we aren't good enough, its simply not true! I was made by God, the creator of the universe!!

My life, my story, who I am and who I will be is God's beautiful living poetry. 

 He doesn't expect perfection, He only wants my heart and for me to live my life for Him.  If I am doing that then the mess of this life is made beautiful.  If I'm doing that then I can see that He didn't make me too emotional or the depths of my feelings too deep, rather he gave me passion and conviction to stand for what I believe in and to fight for His truth. I can see that while my kids may not be perfectly put together and maybe they're just slightly stinky, they are also happy, loved, and full of joy.  I can see that one moment of pain, one moment of sadness on my dining room floor doesn't mean that I'm broke or too weak. Its simply another opportunity to allow God's awesome power to play out in my life. 

 

Lets all try living our lives to the standard for which our heavenly Father has set. Lets try holding ourselves to the standard of love and grace.  Lets speak life giving words into people that let them know that in God we have been made more then enough.  That He loves them exactly where they are, in this very moment. Lets stop picking at ourselves and learn to see ourselves through Jesus' eyes, as His masterpiece.  Lets learn to speak with compassion not only to ourselves but to those around us. Lets try to allow ourselves to be fully seen, to be more real.

If we keep living life trying to measure up to our own false standards or the ones put on us by others we will never be enough.  Praise Jesus that we have a compassionate and loving God and that in Him we are more than enough!

 

 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
 2 Corinthians 12:9

Amy sent me this family photo and I couldn't love it more!