I'm smiling in this picture right?  Good, I'm glad you think so but it's totally a cover.  What's really being played out in my head is how good that snarky mama across the room would look wearing pumpkin guts and seeds.  I've even contemplated how long it would take me to break this pumpkin open, dig out all the guts and go rub them on that snarky mama's head.  The scene being played out in my head is very gratifying.   About the time I've come to the conclusion that destroying the pumpkin just to get to its innards is going to take too long and I'm better off going over there and giving her a small piece of my mind, Penny says "SMILE" and we all look at the camera and obey.

 

Thank you dear sweet Penny for your love of photography and your wonderful thought of taking a photo at this ridiculous moment.  Those 5 seconds of pausing to give that camera a fake smile is what I needed to compose and collect myself, remind myself of who I am and who I chose to be.  Those 5 seconds gave me time to breath in Jesus, for Him to calm my heart, to speak words of truth into my soul, and allow me to gather my children, my hurt heart and walk calmly out of that room and straight home. 

 

Most days I've learned to be pretty tough about judgmental, small minded, mean spirited comments. Usually they make me dig deep to make sure that my worth is solid and firmly planted in Jesus.  I know who I am, I know I am loved by a glorious and divine God that made me in His image.  I'm loved by some fantastic and beautiful people, and I am confident and proud of the way I live my life.  But on this particular evening it's almost the end to a very long, very hard week.  Its pushed me to my limits, its stretched me as far as I can go and its left me feeling tired and very raw.  When this particular mama made her comment, pointed her finger and rolled her eyes all I could see were pumpkin guts flying and I am reminded again of the reoccurring thought I've had the last couple of months.....

 

" It is so hard to live JESUS and be a Christian to my fellow Christians"

 

At the end of August I moved from my small little town of Carlton to Portland, enrolled my kids in a Christian school, got a job as a church secretary and found myself instantly immersed in all things "Christian".  What a giant change this was for my family.  Before this my kids went to public school, I taught at the public school, and my friends consisted of a town of misfits and a melting pot of everyday people, a couple Christian friends, a few other religions thrown in there but overall just your everyday "unchurched" people.  (this is the term I have learned these last few months)

What wonderful people these "unchurched" people are.  They have lived life....hard life. Their circumstances aren't always neat and orderly, in fact they are usually terribly messy.  They are rough around the edges, swear like sailors and will pull out their shot guns on anyone.........including the innocent UPS man!

They are also loving, caring and excepting of my crazy life.  More then excepting really.  They jumped right into my mess and I never once was made to feel small, lacking or judged because I didn't have it all together.  In fact it was probably the opposite.....they understood my circumstances, they understood the struggle and the pain that it brings so they instantly related to me.  In this very strange way they showed me how to love like Jesus loves, how to meet people right where they are at...right in their mess and to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.  How to get my hands dirty, to get involved and connect with people on a much deeper level. 

 

I learned Jesus from the "unchurched" people. 

 

The irony of this wouldn't hit me until months later when I found myself surrounded by Christians.  It took me a while to understand that while I stepped back into a "Christian world"..........I did not step back into a "Jesus World".  What a hard experience this has been on my heart. To go from inadvertently being loved like Jesus to being criticized, constantly put down and shamed for not having a life that looks like theirs has been difficult.  I can't begin to explain the frustration it has caused me to find myself these last few months listening to conversations about how to reach the lost or "unchurched".  I have heard all sorts of opinions on this and all I can think is.......how in the world are you going to do this when you aren't okay or comfortable with this "very churched girl with a messy life right in the middle of all of you"?  My life, while messy, is just a glimpse of the people you are talking about trying to reach.  If you can not connect, if you can not love without judgment someone that lives and works and does life right in the middle of you then how are you ever going to reach the rest of them?

 

 

 

I love this picture of Charlie.....not because she is being a stinker in it but because I give that face all the time.  Such a big part of me wants to sit down and have a good pout about this.  Its unfair, it hurts, its so opposite of how people that love Jesus should act. They know their bible, they know scripture, they should know better!!  I want to stand back, fold my arms, and quote scripture at them to show them exactly all the ways they are wrong................AND NOW I'VE BECOME EXACTLY LIKE THEM!!!  If I allow myself to do this then I've become the thing in which I so firmly dislike. 

How humbling it has been to realize how easily we can all slip back into this way of thinking.  How humbling it has been to realize I'm no different from the rest.  Have I not learned a thing about what Jesus looks like from my unchurched friends?  Or is my faith and love for our great Father only worthy to share with the lost??

 

Never in my craziest dreams did I think God was going to drop me in the middle of nowhere, in a small little town to learn the heart and character of His awesome Son. What a shock it was to realize that God had now dropped me in the middle of the "Christian world" to learn how to be that Jesus that I had learned to the people now around me.  When he planted me in Portland I thought I had learned how to share my faith.  It was so easy to do in my town full of misfits where I was excepted, where my life didn't stand out, where I fit in. Telling my unchurched friends about Jesus and His redeeming love, His awesome power, and the joy and peace that has filled my life was easy and natural.  Its not so natural anymore.  Living my life out in a real way with people that have said unkind things and are uncomfortable with my mess is a hard thing to do but I believe it has never been more necessary.

 

My prayer for myself is that the lessons I've learned from my unchurched friends about loving and being real and connecting with people right where they are at will show in how I reach out an love my Christian friends.  That Jesus' love that was so clearly shown to me will now shine through me to those who desperately need it.  That I will be able to look around myself and see the handful of amazing Christian people God has put in my life and use them as an example in loving others.  That when asked at church on Sunday how my kids are doing....instead of giving them an answer I know they will be comfortable with, that I will answer them honestly, truthfully and bravely, even if I know it will make them uncomfortable, even if their reply may be unkind.  That I will have the courage to be bold and brave in how I live my life in the middle of these Christian people that do not look like me.  That maybe the examples I've learned from the unchurched will resonate in my Christian friends and together we can learn to reach out and love the lost with Jesus' unwavering, overwhelming, love. 

 

1 Corinthians 13 1-7

 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Am I Enough?

 

My amazing friend Amy attempted to take some family photos for us a few weeks back.  Now, being a photographer I figured this was going to be a piece of cake.  I'll dress my kids up all cute, show everyone where to stand, instruct Amy on how to take the perfect photo, at the perfect angle, with just the perfect light and..................VOILA!!!!!  Perfect family photo!!

 

As it turns out, just because you can take a photograph at the right angle, with the right light does NOT mean you can be in a photo and have it turn out well.  It's completely different from this side of the lense, from this perspective.

 

 

Clearly not the perfect family photo :)

 

 

Upon seeing the results of this hilarious and failed photo opp my mind instantly raced to everything that was wrong.  Jamin has a bloody knee, Penny wont look at the camera, why in the blazes am I making those faces................and could CHARLIE PLEASE JUST HOLD STILL FOR ONE SECOND!!!!

See, we have this tendency to pick ourselves apart, and in the end we are never good enough. As a mom I think this is greatly magnified.  There's always something more we should be doing.  The house should be cleaner, the kids should be better behaved.  We should be making homemade, vegan, gluten free, amazing meals that our perfectly dressed and well mannered kids eat without an ounce of fuss.  We should be showered and dressed with an amazing smile always on our face. 

This extends beyond being a mom. In life we think we need to have it all together.  Good job, nice house, amazing friends, beautiful family, exciting adventures, perfectly in shape, and a life that will show just how cool we really are.

 

But what happens when the reality is the complete opposite. What happens when we find ourselves on the other side of the lense? We find ourselves comparing, striving, wasting time trying to define ourselves by everyone else's standard and we are simply never enough. 

 

I think one of the things this world is lacking in is honest, raw, truth......so I'm about to get real with you. My reality looks nothing like the one I hoped for.  My life is lived on the other side of the lense. The truth is I found myself sitting on my dining room floor two nights ago, head in hands, crying, overwhelmed with the immense burden of what my world is asking of me.  Weighed down by all that I haven't been able to do, provide, or be for my family. This morning when the kids were fighting and Jamin hit penny, I snapped and barked at them and banned them to separate corners of the house.  When Charlie screamed about having her tangled curls combed I just wadded the hair into a bun so we didn't have to look at it.  I'm pretty sure at least two of them brushed their teeth but that's really just hopeful thinking!  When Benjamin complained about not wanting to change his clothes, instead of putting in the time and energy that was needed to deal with it I just leaned close, took a big giant whiff, decided that as long as no one stood to close to him then he smelt just fine and sent him out the door.  School starts in a couple of weeks and my kids are yet to be enrolled anywhere which means I haven't done any back to school shopping, I'm about as under prepared as they come.  I can't remember the last time I showered this week, and for dinner I ate Swedish fish, and left over pie.  I literally have DHS, the police station and my lawyer on speed dial and when reality hit, the perfect pinterest dinners turned into tortillas, peanut butter and honey.  And worse yet, it was served in front of the TV................for 2 weeks straight!!!!!!! 

The reality is I work as many jobs as I can find but still have to rely on food stamps. I don't have that perfect job because it requires time and energy I just don't have.  I'm awkward and shy when I don't know you and loud and obnoxious when I do.  I feel too deeply, show too much emotion and have been told that I was broken and needed to be fixed.  Whew, not exactly the picture perfect life!

 

Do you want to know another reality, the only reality that matters?  I am made whole in Christ, and it's the only standard by which I should be striving for.  He doesn't care about you and me fitting into everyone else's box.   He doesn't have a check list of things I must be before I am "enough".

"For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother’s womb........"

He knew me, before I was born.  He knew the curly, redheaded, baby Laura.  The bratty and excitable teenage Laura.  The broken and abused Laura. The courageous, fighter Laura, and the Laura that I am today.  God doesn't love one part of me more then the other, one stage of my life above the other.  Each and every part of the way He has been there walking along side me as I become the person He created me to be for His glory.  While we may look down on our lives or others may tell us that we aren't good enough, its simply not true! I was made by God, the creator of the universe!!

My life, my story, who I am and who I will be is God's beautiful living poetry. 

 He doesn't expect perfection, He only wants my heart and for me to live my life for Him.  If I am doing that then the mess of this life is made beautiful.  If I'm doing that then I can see that He didn't make me too emotional or the depths of my feelings too deep, rather he gave me passion and conviction to stand for what I believe in and to fight for His truth. I can see that while my kids may not be perfectly put together and maybe they're just slightly stinky, they are also happy, loved, and full of joy.  I can see that one moment of pain, one moment of sadness on my dining room floor doesn't mean that I'm broke or too weak. Its simply another opportunity to allow God's awesome power to play out in my life. 

 

Lets all try living our lives to the standard for which our heavenly Father has set. Lets try holding ourselves to the standard of love and grace.  Lets speak life giving words into people that let them know that in God we have been made more then enough.  That He loves them exactly where they are, in this very moment. Lets stop picking at ourselves and learn to see ourselves through Jesus' eyes, as His masterpiece.  Lets learn to speak with compassion not only to ourselves but to those around us. Lets try to allow ourselves to be fully seen, to be more real.

If we keep living life trying to measure up to our own false standards or the ones put on us by others we will never be enough.  Praise Jesus that we have a compassionate and loving God and that in Him we are more than enough!

 

 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
 2 Corinthians 12:9

Amy sent me this family photo and I couldn't love it more!





 

 

 

 

 

 

This last week we had the opportunity to go to the lake.  Anyone that knows me understands why this is a big deal for me. See, I can't swim.....like at all..... not even to save myself....or my children. We would all literally drown if I was left to save us.  I've also spent years convincing myself that there are all sorts of giant sea creatures lurking down in the depths waiting till I put my pasty white legs in there to snatch them up.

Pretty much sums up my childhood thoughts

Swimming always made me nervous when I was little, I even took swimming lessons one summer but it only made my fear and dislike for it stronger. As I got older it was easier to put it off and then eventually avoid it all together.
I never really thought I was missing out on an important life skill or considered it a problem until the beginning of this summer. Two significant things happened that made it very clear to me that it was indeed a problem and I was no longer going to be able to avoid the dreaded water!.  
First, my best friend Amy bought my kids a summer pass to the outdoor pool in town where all my children's friends hang out and second, I started dating someone that loves the water, boats, wakeboarding, all of it ...........a lot.  Both of these things mean that I have spent more time near, on, or in more water then I have in the past 20 years. Its gotten so ridiculous I even bought a swim suit (something I have successfully gotten away with not having for years!!)

The first time we went to the lake I fully anticipated my children being scared and timid. They had never been on a boat or gone swimming in a lake. It caught me completely off guard when not only did two of them actually get in the water but all three of them went for a ride in the tube.  Same thing happened at the pool, I was ready for all of them to be nervous to get in but they all got right in and loved every minute.


The kiddos at the pool with their friends

This leads me to this week at the lake and the very sweet Penny Rae.  Both Jamin and Charlie really took to the water. As soon as we stopped the boat they both got right in.  Penny on the other hand did NOT want to get in.  She said the word scared more times then I could count.  She watched both kids have a turn in the water, swimming and splashing around, completely enjoying themselves.  I could see she clearly wanted to get in on all the fun....but she was just so scared.  We finally got her to sit on the end of the boat, then to put her feet in, and when she finally got all the way in she hung onto the boat for dear life, saying "I'm scared" another dozen times.  When she finally let go this is the face we were blessed with.......

Seriously, look at that face! It doesn't get any sweeter then that. She was so proud of herself, I loved watching her gain her confidence and trust in it and to see her enjoy it so much.
 When we got back Benjamin and Charlie decided jumping in and swimming around would be a ton of fun. Again I watched Penny stand on the side as she said "but I'm just so scared" over and over again. After a lot of talking, whining, and crying she finally got up enough courage to make the jump.

And she LOVED every minute of it!! There was no going back after that, it was as if she had been set free.


So much of Penny's day on the lake represents my life. How many times have I sat on the sidelines of life saying "I'm scared".  When Penny was saying she was scared there were times we gave her space, times we comforted and encouraged and then other times we pushed when we knew she could handle it.  How many times has God sat on the sidelines with me giving me enough space to figure things out, or comforted me and encouraged me when I was scared? How many times has He pushed when that was exactly what I needed?  Every new step, every new experience I find myself standing on the sidelines saying "God I'm scared, I'm scared" and then He very patiently walks me through it. I can picture Him in the water saying "I'm right here Laura, I've got this, you're safe, give me your hand, jump in the water....trust ME." 

I've found myself in another life transition, where one season of life is ending and a new one is beginning. Where there are new schools, a new home, and new friends.  Old jobs are ending and new ones have to be found. Where decisions have to be made on how to follow dreams and passions while raising three kids. New ways of living and loving are being learned and established and while all of it is wonderful and exciting I still find myself on the sidelines saying "God I am just so terribly scared" over and over again. My list of what-ifs is a mile long.........what if I can't find a job, what if I fail, what if my children have a hard time, what if it breaks my heart, what if, what if.........

"I'm right here Laura, I've got this, you're safe, give me your hand, jump in the water....trust ME." 

Will I trust Him when He reaches out His hand and asks me to take the next step or will I stand inside the boat watching all the beauty, fun and life being lived without me because I'm too scared? Will I trust Him and have faith in the Lord's promises to me?  The good and glorious news is I love an amazing God that wants good things for His children who He loves unconditionally.  I can fully trust that while it wont be easy and sometimes it will be overwhelmingly hard He has good things in store.  I can actively choose to remember the promises of God in His word and have the courage to step out and act in faith.

Psalms 40:5
Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Lord, I pray that my fear of the water will not keep me from stepping outside of the boat and living the life You have planned for me. Walk closely God with us as we stand up and face our fears knowing You are right there holding our hand and guiding our lives. Take my life Lord and use it fully for Your glory.  Help me to trust that You want me just as I am and have a plan to use me in Your kingdom! Thank you for pursuing me and for Your gracious patience. To You be all the honor and glory! Amen






Lost In The Right Direction 

 

 

 

Yep.......that's me, hiding in the bathroom, in my jammies at 6 in the evening, eating 3 month old valentine's day heart candy.  Benjamin is running through the house, followed by his trusty companion Stella, his dog and best friend.  He has his sword in hand trying desperately to slay the dragon (his 4 year old sister, Charlie), in a valiant effort to protect the beautiful princess who happens to be his other sister, 6 year old Penny.  Its insanely loud, with all sorts of screeching and barking that's sending sharp pains straight to my head, I've worked 2 jobs today, I'm tired, overwhelmed and hiding from the dinner dishes.

There I am shoving colorful hearts of goodness in my mouth when the door slams open sending all the towels that are hanging from the door flying. Benjamin is standing there with my camera snapping pictures as fast as the camera will allow of this sad and slightly pathetic scene.  The girls are right behind him laughing hysterically saying "caught ya mama!!" Stella walks into the bathroom, takes a drink out of the toilet and proceeds to belch loudly when she's finished, which causes another round of insane laughter.

 

And in moments like these I'm reminded that no matter how crazy, messy, tired, or lost I may feel in this life....it is so beautiful, so full. Its nothing like I imagined but I wouldn't trade it for any other life, it feels so good to be lost in the right direction.

 
We moved to a small rural town in Oregon 2 years ago to start our life over after leaving an abusive and destructive home. God has watched over us and guided us every step of the way as we have made this transition. It hasn't always been easy or pretty, being a single mama to 3 small children, working all sorts of odd jobs to make ends meet, trying to heal 4 broken hearts and learning to live whole hearted has been a messy but beautiful process.

 

The goal of this blog is for me to have a place where I can openly process some of this crazy life in a very real way. From the daily grind of life's daily ups and downs, to the adventures and real struggles of parenting alone.  To show what it looks like to walk through insecurities and vulnerabilities head on in order to heal and be what God intended for my family to be. I'm not a writer or philosopher so this wont be anything fancy.  You are going to get a lot of amusing kid stories, funny pictures, some raw life, a couple of hilarious stories about living in an eccentric and amazingly friendly community, all of my messy screw ups and a small glimpse into the world of a woman trying to very intentionally change the direction of her life.  I hope you enjoy!

 

 

 

 Benjamin (Jamin)- kind hearted, boyscout, amazing big brother, book loving, mini genius :)

 

 

Penny- sweet tempered, fun loving, princess that leaves a little glitter where ever she goes.

 

 

Charlie- the imaginative and overly expressive baby of the family.

 

 

The whole gang!